I’m in a widows dilemma. The number one obvious truth is that I lost the love of my life. Dan was my true soul’s match. I met him in my neighbor’s back yard; just a stones throw from where I lived, and where we subsequently lived together. We habitually brought out and celebrated the best in each other. We were each other’s best friend. I loved him more every day I knew him, and I mourn him more every day that he’s gone. That’s just the way it is.
The way I feel these days, is sad, and lucky. Lucky because no matter what ever happens, the feelings of elation that I knew with Dan will never disappear. They may be shadows of their former splendor, but they are lodged in my DNA. Forever. Sad because when I drive up my street, and walk in my house, he’ll never be here. Reminders of him may be. But that’s scant compensation for what is no more.
I’m able to be in the world easily. Although differently than before he died. I have friends. I have committed family. I have two daughters who are love in constant present form.
And, I think about forming another love with someone new. If it went the way I envision, it would be nice. If I could find a warm body, a mensch with an easy laugh, that would feel good. I want a new best friend. I want a new erotic thrill. I want a place to throw my ebullient and effortless love. I want it to land soft.
New love cannot replace old love. Life cannot replace death. But a fresh breath of the essence, that is probably doable. I’m open to meeting someone fabulous and fated. In the coming months, or years maybe, I will increase the amount of accessibility that I show. There are still days when it’s hard to leave my little cocoon. I’ve made it nice here.
I tried to do online dating, but so far it’s been a snake pit of popped balloons. I think I can assess myself honestly and surmise that I’m vaguely good looking. I CAN take a superb photo, but that doesn’t mean I always actually look like that, and since I believe in truth in advertising, I post pictures of myself that reveal my true figure, and my unvarnished face. Most of my pictures are smiling, because that is when I feel the best. I don’t really have any shots that feature my recent 20 pound weight loss, but then again, no one is going to date me because I’m thin.
But slap my ass and butter me a biscuit, I can’t get arrested on this website. I mean, I can hardly raise a wink, no less an email, or an answer to my email. I begin to wonder if I’m coming off as a monstrous type. Does my saying that I’m “open to love” secretly translate into “I’m begging some one to pick me?” Might I really be saying, “I am a class A nerdette” when I mention that I like hiking, reading and kayaking? I am not sure what the true language of this online lovesite is. I feel like the Elephant Man on the first day of school, I’M HIDEOUS!!!!!!
And, I’m at the far end of my rope on it. It’s getting depressing to be ignored by so many men that I could see liking. I mean, the last few have ignored me without even looking at my profile. They seemingly reject me by either my message, “I like your style “NiceGuy,” or my age, or maybe my screen name, Allegria. It means happy in Italian. I guess I could have some glam shots put up. I could consult an expert on how to winningly illustrate my ASSets, and I could lie about my age. But, frankly, I don’t want the guy who would need any of that to see my beauty and my charms. I’d rather just be me.
So, I’m just living in the world. I’m mingling with live people. I’m attending art events; I’m throwing my heart into volunteer work. I’m hiking the hills with my dog. (It’s been rumored that dogs are manly man baits. Not so far.) And I’m doing what I know makes me happy. I’ve been loved. I am content.