Joyful Mourning Part 1

Today I’m headed up to Tahoe. I guess I want to be amongst friends for Valentine’s Day. Thank you Goyl Loya and Joey Mac.

This year, I still feel the same love in my heart that I have each and every day that I’ve been without my Dan. His love sits so warm and secure in the innermost chambers of my heart. It radiates into my thoughts, my actions, my memories, my very breath.

I know the expectation is that I would feel sad and weepy, especially as this day of hearts and loves rolls around. But, I don’t really. Yeah, yeah, last year I was a wreck, but it was for other reasons. Last year was more about being private. This year, I have the perspective of having become more acclimated to the limitations of loss. Of course I miss everything about Dan. I loved him more every day I knew him, and now I sort of miss him more every day I don’t have him by my side. But missing him is now a permanent fixture. What it doesn’t do is flatten me. That may be surprising to people who deal with grief a different way. I am forever elevated for this love. I am permanently scarred and etched in good ways.

I am open to more love in my life. If I wasn’t, I would curl up and die.
I have love in my life. A LOT of it. Somedays I feel it more than others. Of course some days I feel lonely. But all I have to do when that happens is reach out (when I’m ready). There is no shortage of love in the world if you just open your eyes, extend your hand and reach.

As to “falling in love”, I am also open. I will never “replace” Dan, but he truly made me fall in love with that insane and grand exchange of energy, trust, soul, and open heartedness that being in a true love relationship brings. So, while I don’t know if that will ever happen again for me, or how it might happen for me, I walk through life willing for it to be. I’m just three steps away from willing it to be. (do you detect the difference in the willings?)
And as I’ve felt clearly and profoundly since the day Dan and I joined our hearts, we were lucky, I am lucky, I will always feel lucky. I wish you all love. Just look. Be open. It’s out there1422515_379271308875378_313752369_n

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